I’m friends with the monster inside of my head…

What if i’m too fucked up in the head…What if I don’t know how to be happy…What if I surround myself with people who treat me badly cause its what I think I deserve…What if i’m supposed to be on my own… What if I spend the rest of my life this unhappy…Is it normal how i feel and all the questions that are in my head on a daily basis? Do other people feel this way and fear the unknown like I do? I’m scared of the dark, of the ocean water, of other bodies of water, of bridges….of the future and having no plan no answers no certainty no guarantees, i’m scared of being alone, scared of people constantly leaving me…that scares the shit out of me…The monsters in y head are eating me alive..so many questions no answers to calm the constant anxiety..there is no solution…In this world there are no guarantees..

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If i knew then what i know now..

I just don’t understand people anymore…or maybe i never did. I’m tired of being promised they wont hurt me and believing them like an idiot and then where do i end up? Hurt over and over again like i’m their personal doormat…when is enough enough…when do u stop putting in all of the effort and realize its getting you no where? You expect certain things from people cause you are always willing to do the same…and in expecting you leave yourself open for disappointment. People can change for the good and for the bad. I get that, but when they change to something you don’t like and have no desire to be the person you knew before its like why am I holding on? What am i holding on to? How much more can i take of feeling alone.. feeling not good enough.. feeling like i’m not worth the effort.. feeling like i just don’t matter. Its always been a problem of mine not knowing my worth and staying around people who devalue me and make me feel bad about myself, treating me like shit and making me feel like i deserve that..but i just don’t know how to correct it..I don’t know who to trust, i don’t know how to feel, I don’t know what to think anymore…You grow to know people and you think you know who they are and then over time what you thought it just disappears….it isn’t true.. its like you fell for a facade or an act. You were their audience, you fell for every single line in the show they put on. You are a sucker. You try to see the good in people believe they are genuine people…ignore all the signs telling u otherwise cause you really want to believe it will all work out but every time it ends the same…you keep going back hoping for a different ending but nothing in the middle has changed to get your alternate ending.. There is no fairy tale no book to follow. This is reality. Eventually people’s true colors show and you are left feeling empty cause you gave everything you had to give and it was all for nothing..

Mental illness does exist….and it sucks

Since i can remember i’ve had depression. I hate the people who make fun or think ur making it up or r just looking for attention…Its not something you can get over its not something that passes its like a life sentence u have to live with…talking doesn’t help it just makes u feel like u sound like a lunatic cause ppl who don’t know what ur going threw think ur crazy and don’t get it…or u can get put on meds and alter urself which idk i honestly have mixed feelings. Depression isn’t a mood its not something time will make go away or make better, when i feel it i try to push it off act like its not there it works for a bit then resurfaces and explodes like a volcano…On top of depression i think i’m just messed up in the head i cant make up my mind about anything in life, i constantly value myself at what others think of me…i search for people and things to feel like im good enuff…im too nice to the wrong ppl and they take advantage of me and then toss me aside like yesterdays trash when they get what they need…even family and its sad and a shitty feeling. I also have anxiety which is hell in itself…i’m always anxious i’ve even developed a twitch over the years in my thumbs and wrists which makes my carpal tunnel act up, my hands swell and it shoots up to my elbow…my mind goes a mile a minute..i feel like i need to know what is gona happen tomorrow and the next day, i need guarantees, i need answers of what the future holds and what will happen. I need a heads up, I need to mentally prepare for whats down the road, i need to know if i’m on the right path if i chose the right road if i’m making the right decisions, what does my future look like? And lets not even get started on how i am in the car…some days i can ignore it all and push it aside and then it bottles n creeps out n shows its ugly head and explodes and i just want to lay in bed all day n not do anything just listen to a song with headphones blasting in my ears with 1 song on repeat for hours…my body hurts my mind wont shut off i question everything…am i happy? do i just pretend to be? when is the last time i smiled without it being forced or fake, when is the last time i was excited? the last time i actually felt happy inside instead of feeling like there is this grey cloud that follows me everywhere and i could cry at the drop of the dime and not even know or understand y…